The Modern Women's Guide For How To Get Over A Break-Up FAST!

Broken Red Heart Hero.jpg

Like Neil Sedaka sang, breaking up is hard to do. Now I know that not all breakups are created equal. There is the amicable “it’s not you it’s me” to the “I curse you and your entire bloodline” but the principles are the same to getting past it and moving on. But even if you knew your conscious uncoupling was inevitable, a ticking time bomb it can still hurt like a son of a bitch. It can cause the strongest of us to lose ourselves in a vat of Ben & Jerry’s with vodka chasers all the whilst singing All By Myself into a brush handle. Now in my non-professional opinion that’s a totally acceptable solution for the short term but trust me sooner than later you will actually need to wash your hair, leave your flat, and get your ass into the land of the living.

 MOVIE: Former lovers, now hostile roommates, bus tour guide Gary (VINCE VAUGHN) and art dealer Brooke (JENNIFER ANISTON) "share" a quiet moment in the romantic comedy "The Break-Up". Credit: Melissa Moseley / Universal. DOWNLOADED FROM IMAGE.NET.

So what is the fastest way to do that? I asked the advice of a fabulous group of “I am so fu@king over him” experts…and collectively we have put together, The Modern Women’s Guide For How To Get Over A Break-Up Fast (can be useful to you men out there too). You will be over him (or her) before you can say Bridget Jones. 


Rely On Your Friends…But Only To A Point

We know that friends will get your through everything. Be it 4:00 in the afternoon or 4:00 in the morning God bless the friends, they will be there for you. But after you have downloaded every intimate detail of your break-up, overshared all his inadequacies in bed and creatively plotted his death with a iron clad alibi there is only so much more your friends can do… or take. A little ex-bashing is of course welcome but if you still haven’t been able to talk of anything else and you are looping, get a therapist. Nothing can replace your friends but a good objective third party is essential and healthy… for everyone. 

Get Outside in Nature

Get that step count up over 10,000 every day. Breathe deeply. Feel small amongst the trees. Be happy you are alive, healthy and free. Being in nature has an amazing healing effect on your mental wellbeing. 

A Broad In London Walking in The New Forest.jpg

Block His Ass

Airing your grievances on social media, NOT a good idea…nor should you be cyber-stalking him. Disengage. If there is a real reason to be in contact like if there are kids or you work together or he is a perfect match as a kidney donor fine but if not delete, unfollow, untag, unfriend, block and mute. There is a app that can do that all for you called Killswitch, that seamlessly and discreetly removes traces of your ex off your digital life. Genius. Science says it takes 28 day to break a habit and he was a habit you need to break. Doesn’t have to be forever but give it 30 days. After a clean 30 days, reward yourself for your digital sobriety…new shoes ought to do it.

Take a Trip

A great perk about being single is not having to adhere to someone else’s schedule. Plan your own trip, something you always wanted to do and go someplace new. Do something just for you. It is liberating. 

Exercise

Begin some intense rage-based workout, like kick-boxing or less rage but equally intense Pilates. Exercise releases endorphins which in turn makes you happy, releases stress and anxiety. So while you are redirecting all this hostile energy you are creating your total revenge body. Remember best form of revenge is looking great. 

Ex-Sex

Now this could tie in nicely with your newly toned revenge body. But it does come with a warning. Ex-Sex can be great if you have emotionally moved on. In fact there are studies that have shown that having sex with your ex can help you get over him. But if you are still hung up on him, wanting him back or God forbid still in love this could set you back to Ben & Jerry’s and vodka shots. Proceed carefully.

Rebound Sex

A good friend told me that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Now for fear of my daughters reading this sage advice (haha who am I kidding, they don’t read my blog) there is nothing sexier than having hot, steamy, elevator sex with a handsome stranger. But don’t let this become your norm or don’t hook up with his friends, you are better than that…yes you are! Get it out of your system and then chill…you don’t want to add “ho” to the list of names your ex is already calling you. Also remember, sex without love is a empty experience…but as far as empty experiences goes it is one of the best. 

Change Your Look

 Professional makeup artist and hairdresser are preparing a fashion model. Portrait of beautiful blonde girl with blue eyes.
Isolated on white background

Get fit, toned, change your hair, make-up, scent, wardrobe, look! Never, EVER underestimate the power of a good makeover.


Throw A Break-Up Party

You celebrate when you get engaged or married so why not celebrate your break-up with a party? Mark the occasion. Let them eat cake… or do body shots off a hot waiter’s abs.

Change Your Environment

This is especially important if you have been living together. Remove all his personal effects, photos, mementos, that Laughing Buddha you bought in Thailand, even the jewellery…ok maybe not the jewellery. Rearrange the furniture, paint the walls, splurge on zillion thread count bed linens and burn those tear and snot stained pillow cases. Change the scent of your place with a diffuser. Purge. Flip the mattress, or better yet buy a new one and adorn the bed with all those throw pillows he could never understand.

Remind Yourself Of Your Ex’s Negative Traits…Not The Positives

We all know that won’t be too hard, right?  But if your mind wonders to that incredible weekend you went to the country where you never left the hotel room or how sweet he was at your mom’s birthday remind yourself the time he suggested you lose a few pounds in front of your boss or how he hit on your best friend… or how he broke off your 5 year engagement over a text message. These are the “whys” you are no longer together. If you need to write a list, a burn book or… maybe even a blog (just saying) it can help.

Absolutely Avoid The Following…

Drinking alone…(can lead to drunk-dialling or texting), wearing his T-Shirt to bed (burn it in your witch cleansing ritual). Avoid sad music or songs that remind you of him or all romantic movies that end “happily ever after”. Most importantly don’t look back. There is a big difference between giving up and just not wanting to take someone’s shit anymore.

Drunk Dialling

Finally Don’t Scheme To Get Him Back, Scheme How To Get Yourself Back

You have lost a part of yourself in this relationship, it happens. Discover yourself again. You are fricken’ awesome and you are going to be great on your own and single. Know that!! Start doing new things. Take a course, travel, push yourself into new experiences, keep busy. Maybe it’s some girl’s dream is to find the perfect guy but mine is to eat whatever I want and not get fat. Both are unrealistic but a girl can dream, right?

A Broad in London in Paris.JPG

Dedicated to all the single ladies. Channel your inner Beyonce…to the left, to the left...