(Consider yourself warned)

I have written about things that made me elated and happy, music that caused my heart to dance out of my chest and little, tiny moments that sparked joy. So I thought it was time that I turn this on its ear and rattle on about the things that really… and I mean REALLY piss me off.

I call it, a good old-fashioned, “don’t get me started” rant. 

Is it that I have just gotten older and a tad more curmudgeony?  Perhaps I am not suffering fools with the same joie de vivre I carried with me in my youth. Or maybe menopause, puberty’s evil older sister has taken a strange, hot-flush hold on my tolerance for the dim-witted, spacially unaware, loud chewers who take up the whole sidewalk while walking half the pace of all those around them. Whatever the reasons I am finding my list of Pet Peeves exponentially growing into a whole kennel of irritations and I can honestly state with complete conviction that it is them “the annoyers” not me “the annoyed” who are to blame.

To confirm my sanity on the subject I did take an informal, be it brief survey with a few of my peeps (don’t you just hate people who use the word “peeps”?) and they too agreed with my list…plus had a few of their own annoyances to add to my already healthy pet peeve catalogue. 

So in the way of a middle-age “release the hounds”, here are the Grievances, Pet Peeves and Rants of a 50 Something, Menopausal Women. Things that are so super annoying that I had to blog about it. 

Hold on…shit is about to get real

• People eating candies in cellophane bags in the theatre.

• Guys who take a selfie in the bathroom mirror and use it as their online dating profile photo. This is made excruciatingly worse if they are without a shirt. In the name of Sweet Jesus, no!

• The world grinding to a screeching halt because I cannot find my reading glasses (once found on the top of my head). 

• Hairs growing where they shouldn’t and sadly one of the few things I don’t need my reading glasses to see.

• People taking up two parking spots with one car. This is justifiable keying.

• Dog owners not picking up after their dog. I guess we call that a pet Pet Peeve.

• Grocery carts with a random, rogue, bad-ass wheel. 

• The terms “soulmate” or “twin-flame” and the annoying love struck people who use them whenever asked about their partners. Let us also add any single woman who says, “they are looking for their knight in shining armor”. May they all be captured by a fierce fire-breathing dragon and fed to the unicorns.  

• Wearing socks and stepping into something wet, especially if you’re a dog owner.

• People without any spacial awareness. They include but are not limited to; people who walk diagonally on the sidewalk, stop suddenly out of nowhere, walk in front of me when I am trying to take a photo or block the doorway when trying to exit the Tube.   

• Room temperature or flavored water. Give it to me cold and icy, don’t make me ask twice and no salad bits like cucumber, mint or lemon floating in it. It’s water, not a cocktail.  

• Scented kleenex

• The overly loud obnoxious revving of a sports-car peeling down a residential block. The more expensive or flashy the car the smaller the driver’s penis. It’s true, there have been studies. 

• Bands that don’t play their hits when you see them in concert. They just play new stuff. 

• Wet toilet seats, especially discovered only once you have sat down.  

• Guys who leave the toilet seat up…again discovered only once you have sat down. 

• Celebrities who are always voicing their political beliefs, give their children weird names or claim that they are environmentalists as they board their private jets.  

• Loud open-mouth chewers, coupled with slurpy people sucking down hard and loud on the last bits of their drink through a straw. 

• People who start a sentence by saying,  “I am not judging but…”

• Line cutters. The queue for my British friends. 

• Gluten-free, dairy-free, lactose-free, vegan dinner guests.

• The words, moist, phlegm, and panties.

• People who are chronically late.

• People driving too slow in the fast lane.

• People who refer to themselves in the 3rd person. Special shout-out to The Donald.

• When you are talking to someone on the phone and then they put you on hold for longer than it should take to get rid of the other call.

• A long traffic light at an completely empty intersection. 

• People using “like” in every other word of a sentence.

• People who don’t know how to chew gum properly. Russel Crowe at The Oscars, this one is for you.

  
  So maybe, perhaps it’s just me… buttttttt I don’t think so. For all I know my age has brought with it a new level of unrestrained, honest communication, tied tightly with a frighteningly shorter fuse but guess what, I am good with that. So go ahead my friends, air your grievances, as always I am listening… kinda.