Mad Magazine’S Genius Zodiac Summary…It Ain't No Bull.
Well, its officially Taurus season. That astrological sign that in my opinion screams out cosmic superiority and by a strange coincidence… my Star Sign.
If you’re of a certain vintage and grew up in North America, if I said Alfred E. Neuman immediately that redhead, gapped tooth cover-boy should instantly spring to mind. The face that looks a lot like David Letterman in cartoon form smiling at us from the covers of Mad Magazine.
Mad Magazine was a fixture of my childhood. A satirical humorous slam deep into the hub of the 20th century cultural landscape.
So you might be asking yourself, so what does the Zodiac and Mad Magazine have to do with each other? Well, I’ll tell you. It is where I first read the most deadly accurate horoscope profile EVER. It so resonated with me that decades later I could find myself reciting by heart lines from its brilliant astrological summary. I mean who could forget…
“Sagittarius you will find will say whatever is on his mind.”
That literally could describe every Sagittarius I have ever known...and dated.
So I thought I would dig up Mad’s Zodiac and see what you think. I dare you to contradict the brilliant, accurate summary of each and every Zodiac sign.
Mad Magazine’S GENIUS Zodiac Summary
Aries the Ram (Mar. 21 -Apr. 19)
Kazowee! Smash! Bang. Biff and Bam!
No wonder Aries is the ram!
The only way his ego thrives
Is butting in our private lives;
We bolt our doors, but we can’t win,
The Aries pound till he gets in.
And once he’s entered, have no doubt,
An atom bomb can’t get him out.
Taurus the Bull (Apr. 20 - May 20)
When there’s a party you can’t stand,
You’ll find a Taurus right on hand.
Offending crowds of helpless folks
With ancient, dull and endless jokes.
To make things worse for one and all,
The punchlines he cannot recall;
Few things upon the earth can bore us
Like the bull of some old Taurus.
Ok, that one might not be as accurate as I remember, as this Bull is anything but dull… but let me continue.
Gemini the Twins (May 21 - June 21)
A Gemini is kind and mean,
Refined and rotten, foul and clean.
In other words, we must confess,
He’s just a schizophrenic mess.
But though he’s filled with peace and strife,
He tries to live a normal life;
He’ll make a faithful friend and mate
Well, half of him at any rate.
Cancer the Crab (June 22 - July 22)
It takes most people quite a spell
To know a crab-like Cancer well.
And when they do, we must confide,
They’re often sorry that they tried.
But though his outlook’s grey and grim,
It pays to be a friend to him.
If so, you’ll see his spirit zoom
From deep depression up to gloom!
Leo the Lion (July 23 - Aug. 22)
A Leo comes on with a roar,
And when he’s through, he roars some more.
He does this so we’ll plainly see
That in his world, there’s one boss - he!
He’s glad to share your point of view
And long as it is his view too.
If you should cross him, have no fear-
The welts will fade within a year.
Virgo the Virgin (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
A Virgo will not hesitate
The tell you that you’re second rate,
For exercise he strains his wits
At finding faults and picking nits.
At night he murmurs soft and clear,
“I love so, my precious dear.”
We know his sentiments are true,
For it’s himself he’s talking to!
Libra the Scales (Sept 23 - Oct. 22)
From just a brief, initial look
A Libra seems a hopeless schnook.
At second glance we soon detect
Our first impression was correct.
His house is filled with friends who mooch,
Who borrow cash, who drink his hooch;
Let’s hope his giving never ends,
We’d hate to see him without friends.
Scorpio the Scorpion (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
If you should see a Scorpio,
Then, goodness gracious, say hello!
For if his presence you ignore
He’ll soon declare a private war.
However, if you’re over-nice,
You’ll pay an ever bigger price;
For once he says your friend he’ll be,
You’ll never need an enemy!
Sagittarius the Archer (Nov. 22-Dec.21)
Sagittarius, you will find,
Will say whatever’s on his mind;
From what he says, we must conclude
What’s on his mind is pretty crude.
He’s right at home in drunken brawls,
In street gang fights and free-for-alls.
He wishes he could get a job,
But who can use a one-man mob?
Capricorn the Goat (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
A Capricorn’s a hapless goat
Who always seems to miss the boat.
The shirts he washes end up shrunk;
He buys a car; it turns to junk.
His life’s a roll of endless crap
That even fouls up other chaps.
Because of his unlucky sign,
I couldn’t make this last line rhyme!
Aquarius the Water-Bearer (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
There’s little reason to discuss
The fuzzy-brained Aquarius.
His mind is the stratosphere,
The rest of him is barely here.
Psychiatrists throw up their hands
And mutter things about his glands.
In truth his problem is clear-cut:
He’s just a happy, harmless nut!
Pisces the Fish (Feb. 19-Mar.20)
He’s one big mass of sex appeal;
You’d think by now that he would see
That girls who date him don’t agree.
But though he falls flat on his face,
He simply can’t give up the chase;
No wonder life’s string of crisis
For the luckless, love-sick Pisces!