Don’t Worry, Babe. I Can Go All Night ...And Other Things Women Over 50 Never, Ever Want to Hear in Bed
Aaaah, the mature woman. That fabulous creature that, if wooed with the right balance of precision and passion, might be the best sex you have ever had. You heard me—the best.
With a real risk of oversharing, sex over 50 is the culmination of decades of learning. I cannot speak for my married sisters, those women who’ve been having sex with the same partner who has been leaving the toilet seat up and the tea bag in the sink for years. But I can speak for the single ladies who have graciously and generously shared their fabulous, unfiltered sex stories with me.
Let’s get started. In case there is a guy out there over the age of fourteen that doesn’t know this, women share everything. Yes, all of it. We talk in delicious, delightful details…about… well…all of it. If you are wondering, did she tell her girlfriend about…insert worst fear here*, the answer is, of course, she did. And they probably told their friends. I believe that is why women live longer, by talking it out. Sure you guys talk too. But it’s different, more surface, singular, simple and summarized. An uncomplicated “ya, I shagged her…um, dude, I think it’s your round.”
This sexual ”Town Hall” is where…in part, the sexual learning germinates. Consider it “book learning”—the cramming before the oral (😁) and practical exams. If the right questions are asked (and answered), certain myths debunked, and everyone is closely paying attention to the tutorials, they should, with any luck, have their graduate degree by 30-35. But their PhD, that really requires a lot more studying and dedication. Sure, not everybody graduates. Some prematurely (😁) drop out. And yes, there are those truly gifted savants with natural abilities that transcend this particular timetable. But for the general masses, it’s not unlike a world-class surgeon whose brilliant skills only come after many years of wielding that scalpel.
So with that said, I’m going to share some over 50 fundamentals that can only be described as liberating. So, pay attention.
Let’s begin with something no woman over the age of 50 ever, ever wants to hear… “don’t worry, babe, I can go all night.”
Nope. Nada. Never! This time in our lives is about quality, not quantity. Think of it as the difference between watching a brilliant film you will be talking about for weeks versus binge-watching Friends. Episodes, I might add, you have watched over, and over, and over. This is not about enthusiastically carrying in that six-pack of Miller Lite on your shoulder like some frat boy douche. This is about a 2018 Chablis Premiere Cru that gently intoxicates, dances on your tongue, and seductively teases your entire being.
Next— No woman over 50, and I would even dare to say 40, wants morning sex.
Sorry, fellas! Just because you wake up with that morning wood, do not assume that it’s as interesting to us as it is to you. It’s not. In what universe do you think that we, my sexy sisters and I, before we open both eyes, pee…or have that medically required coffee, think, I know what I want right now…a penis penetrating me. I will admit that, yes, I have tolerated morning sex more times than my sleepy head could count. But if I am honest, which clearly I have no trouble being, it was always under duress. I compare it to going to a company bowling party. OK, ya, sure, I’ll go, but I’m telling you right now, I’m not going to enjoy myself.
Here is something else. Something fabulous about sex over 50. Honest and brazen communication. When I was younger, I was afraid to speak up, talk, or instruct, so sex became more of a non-verbal dance lesson. Hoping if you lead them this way or that, they pretty soon would be dancing. But the truth is, I believe I led a generation of men into thinking they were Patrick Swayze when the fact was they could not dance, dirty or otherwise. These days, I have no problem with a tiny tap on the top of their head and gently say, “I appreciate your efforts, but I think we’re done here.” Or a clear, yet concise “that’s not where you think it is.” Communication! Honest, unfiltered communication makes for fabulous sex. Because what might work for Fred might not work for Ginger.
And finally, women over 50 are not interested in faking an orgasm—Not a one.
This is good news, gentlemen. Life is too short to fake orgasm… (or drink bad wine). If it’s not happening, step aside, and let us women show you how it’s done. When I was in my twenties and thirties, my biggest complaint could be that my lover wasn’t interested in my orgasm. Now… it's much worse. It’s the guy who will stop at nothing to give me one.
So, I hope you all have learned something here today. We all want to be good in bed. So, do your homework. Go out there and remember these handy-dandy tips and blow someone’s mind (pun intended). And tell them…A Broad In London sent you. Class dismissed.
You’re welcome.
P.S. I have some super exciting news, folks. My pre-sales for my upcoming book, In Search of Mr Darcy: Lessons Learnt in the Pursuit of Happily Ever After, are coming to booksellers everywhere very soon. The book is out on April 20th. And just saying that they make sensational gifts. Stay tuned for more details.