The Man Catalogue. What A Man's Online Dating Photo Says Instantly About The Guy
There are three great tellers of truth, Children, yoga pants and… a man’s online dating photo.
So let us discuss the later, those murky often funky waters of online dating.
This of course told thru the filter of someone old enough to nostalgically and fondly remember when my sole decision-making of a potential partner would all but be decided by a drunken fuelled evening in a bar called Brandy’s.
I guess you can call me kinda old fashioned in that regard. Back in an era of jam-packed bars and nightclubs (remember those?) with bodies pressed so close you could smell the battle between his warm, Barcardi infused breath on your neck and the Jovan Musk For Men that he clearly bathed in earlier. A cute smile and one too many tequila slammers and that was it. The next thing you know you are picking out china patterns and arguing why his friend Snake under no circumstances will be sitting at the same table as your friend Bunny at the reception. Personally I think it is obvious.
But in today’s world, especially in the wake of a global pandemic let’s face it you will not be meeting anyone the old-fashioned way where alcohol and cloudy judgment made your choices for you. Nope, you are going to sit back from the comfort of your living room, unwashed hair piled on top of your head, wearing only a braless T-Shirt and your drawstring sweatpants. You turn on your phone and flip through a menu of men which offers more choices than a Dim Sum restaurant in China Town.
But not unlike the Chinese food menu, there are many things on the menu I will not be eating.
Becoming single in one’s 40’s had not adequately prepared me for the life of online dating. But I tell you now, my decades on the dating planet have been able to give me a perhaps unfair advantage over my much younger dating single sisters of quickly being able to identify the type of man just by looking at their photo and this is what I am going to share with you today as we discuss, The Man Catalogue. Something to help you weed out those men who for obvious reasons (to me) are still single.
The Man Catalogue. What A Man's Online Dating Photo Says Instantly About The Guy
Let us discuss the type of guy and the immediate elimination if their profile photos have any of the following;
The Materialistic Bragger: He’s the guy posing by a car, boat, motorcycle. Even if its a superyacht I am telling you right now it isn’t his. This is a guy who is obsessed with material possessions and likely a woman would be treated as such.
The Addict: This is the guy with a cigarette or cigar, often hanging from the corner of his mouth. Clearly mistaking himself as the Marlborough Man or a tragic 1940’s film star instead of the carcinogenic addict that he obviously is. Of course, if he has money ladies know his life expectancy will be short.
The Jock: You know the picture, the guy who has an orgasmic grin on his face holding up a freshly caught fish at the end of his fingers or maybe he is midswing on a golf course. No and no. The only thing these photos attract are other dudes. This guy’s photos almost always include him posing in a herd of identical men most likely in a pub, sports bar or at a company golf tournament of which you have to crossreference back to the fishing photo to figure out which one he is because they all look interchangeable. You will NEVER be as important as the lads, The US Open, or the limp fish dangling at the end of his little pole.
The Bad Boy: Any photo that is blurry, out of focus, or looks even slightly like surveillance footage.
The Player: Any photo that contains another woman. Worse yet when they have vaguely (only vaguely) attempted to colour them out with the draw feature on their phone.
The Narcissist: Any guy taking a selfie in a bathroom mirror. Worst even is a naked torso selfie. Total ick. This guy, due to his lack of any real photos of him in day to day human life is likely secretly cheating on his girlfriend. My strong guess is he has never been married, never even committed to owning a dog… and trust me there is a reason.
The Hefner: Old guy with young girls whose faces are not partially scribbled upon or almost cropped out of his photo. Nope, they are front and center, in your face. Clearly they aren’t his daughters (or granddaughters) as his lecherous hand placement would suggest. Guaranteed he has more money than looks, and is shallow as a shower.
The Recluse, Broke or Unemployable: Any photo that looks like he could be hiding small animals in his hair, beard, or in the folds of his neck. Think Unibomber or Charles Manson if they were online. Perpetually between jobs and places to live. Could be confused with an artist.
The Bar Rat: One should actively avoid any guy that has a beer prominently displayed in his profile photo. Wine, Champagne totally acceptable but throw a pint of beer in his hand, or a beer bottle on the table and immediately you know he spends too much free time in the pub….
Unless of course, it’s this guy.
You would think that this, all of this would be a basic non-starter. Something no one would have to tell a man looking for a partner right up there with have a shower and clean the dirt from under your fingernails. This is the modern-day dating business card. A “putting one’s best foot forward”, their only chance to make that super important, instant first impression. But who are the women chomping down on this man-bait? I mean seriously who are they? Are they too taking selfies in their bathroom mirror standing in their old Marks and Spencer faded underwear dangling a cigarette between their tightly pursed lips?
The most repeat offender, the photo I saw most in all its variations had to be the selfie in the bathroom mirror… come on dude. Please tell me you have a friend who can take a picture of you or maybe something from a recent vacation somewhere, preferably not in your Speedo or bench pressing at the gym. I saw one guy’s profile photo where he was sitting in a threadbare armchair staring down on his phone, not even looking at the camera. You do not have to possess the imagination of Walt Dinsey to know what a date would be like with this guy if he could not even be bothered to look up from his phone for his online profile dating photo. Another guy was actually wearing his wedding ring. This is also not the forum to post photos of your kids. I’m sorry If you are a great dad, you would not be posting photos of your children on a public dating site, am I right? Share those photos if one must if you make it to a live date…preferably not the first.
I do so welcome the male’s counterpoint to this. I recognize that there is another side to this dating equation, one that I would love to learn about and regale you with. So men, tell me what you immediately swipe left for. Tell me what you can instantly surmise from a women’s online dating profile. I cannot wait for the Women’s Catalogue.
In the meantime you single men, I hope you have learned a thing or two today. And if by chance these helpful tips of what not to post have somehow eluded you, the brilliant thing about online dating is now you can be effectively crushed from finding love from the privacy of that bathroom you took your photos in.
Happy Dating All