There comes a point in life where you assume you’ve learned the major lessons. You’ve survived bad perms, heartbreaks, friendship implosions, jobs that aged you permanently, men who communicate exclusively through silence, and at least one phase where you thought acid-wash jeans and neon leg-warmers were a good idea.

You think “Surely now I get to coast.”

Apparently not. Because this year felt like the universe handed me a group project called Unexpected Personal Growth and despite repeatedly saying, “No thanks, I’ve already suffered enough for the curriculum,” I was enrolled anyway.

So in honor of another rotation around the sun, or as a friend of mine describes it, the anniversary of my epic vaginal descent, here are the lessons I’ve learned, relearned, ignored, relearned again, and may still completely fail to apply in real time.

Life Lessons I Learned Against My Will

1. You Do Not Need a Stadium Full of Friends

You just need a few people with:

a shovel
an alibi
and a strong “honestly, he had it coming” energy.

Not all friendship are meant to last a lifetime, or even past high school. At this age, friendship is less about quantity and more about who would help you move a body, bring snacks, and pair it with perishingly chilled Chablis.

2. Family Is Complicated. Even When There’s Love.

Especially then.

One of the biggest lies we’re sold is that love automatically creates ease. It doesn’t. I would take a bullet for my family, although statistically speaking, they’re probably the reason shots were fired in the first place.

Families are messy.
Humans are messy.

Some relationships survive purely on history, obligation, and one person changing the subject.

3. Travel Continues to Be My Therapist

I have spent thousands on therapy over the years, and while I support it fully, I’d also like to point out that a Negroni in Italy has done remarkable work for my nervous system. Oh, and a surprise to absolutely no one, my mental health apparently requires boarding in Zone One.

4. Never Chase People Who Know Exactly Where to Find You

Read that again.

If someone wants to speak to you, see you, love you, choose you, support you, text you back, or clarify their intentions, they will.

Confusion is not a personality trait.
Avoidance is not mystery.
And inconsistency is not depth.

5. Loving Someone and Actually Liking Them Are Two Different Things

One is rooted in chemistry and shared experiences. The other might be fixed with the right medication. A relationship can survive a surprising amount. But if the sound of someone chewing their meat starts activating your fight-or-flight response, it may be time to reevaluate.

6. Never Take Advice From Someone Who Has Never Left their Comfort Zone

There is a certain type of person who believes the purpose of life is avoiding discomfort at all costs. Or who mistakes routine for wisdom. They build entire identities around staying safe, staying predictable, with not a single scratch or scar from a life well-lived. These people are not your teachers.

Growth is uncomfortable.
Reinvention is uncomfortable.
Honesty is uncomfortable.

But worse, spending your entire life wondering who you could have become if you weren’t afraid.

7. I Have Yet To Meet A Problem That Improved After Someone Suggested I Journal About It.

I’ve journaled enough to qualify as a mid-level archivist. At this point, my notebooks could be subpoenaed. I’ve written hundreds of blog posts, newspaper articles, a novel, and a memoir. And not one major life crisis has ever paused mid-breakdown and said, “Wait. She’s processing this in a Moleskin.” Okay, the memoir might have helped. But mostly because nothing says healing like seeing your nervous breakdown available on Amazon.

8. Men Continue to Teach Me Lessons

Some men restore your faith in humanity. Others make you understand why women in the 1800s simply walked into the sea. I got ghosted for the first time this year, which at my age feels less like dating and more like human equivalent of hitting unsubscribe, teaching me closure is apparently a luxury item.

And while we’re here: Never let a man disrespect you twice.

The first time is a warning.
The second time is participation.

Also, if a grown man texts you “wyd?” after age 35, the only acceptable response is: “Losing interest.”

9. I Do Not “Trust the Process”

As my second book sits out on submission, I’ve discovered I possess the patience of a cocaine bear in a queue at the post office. People keep saying: “Trust the process.” But does the process know we’re trusting it? Because from where I’m sitting, the process feels deeply under-qualified.

I would personally prefer:

hourly updates
emotional support paired with wine.
and a tracking number.

10. I Hate The Phrase “What Will Be Will Be”

Absolutely not. What will be will be because some of us dragged the entire thing across the finish line on our back while surviving on cortisol, caffeine, and answering emails through emotional collapse.

11. I Will Not Be Giving Up Wine

Please stop suggesting it (you know who you are.)

Who stood by me during heartbreak? Delayed flights? Family drama? Publishing stress? Hormones? Teenage daughters. The collapse of society? Certainly not broccoli.

12. Life Does Not Become Less Absurd

This is the great disappointment of adulthood. You think eventually everyone will begin behaving rationally. Ha! In fact, let’s give that a double Ha-Ha. You just get faster at identifying the joke. That’s the real gift of aging. Not wisdom exactly. Not peace. Just perspective. You stop asking, “Why is this happening to me?” and start asking, will this story make me more interesting at a cocktail party? Answer, most definitely.

Final Thoughts

The older I get, the more I understand why rich women in movies are always standing alone near the sea holding a giant glass of wine and staring dramatically into the distance.

Because honestly—Goals.

So protect your peace.
Drink the good wine.
Leave when it feels wrong.
And remain deeply suspicious of anyone who says “circle back.”

Love you all (well, most of you)

And now, to celebrate my birthday, I close my eyes, take a breathe, and wish.

Life Lessons I Learned Against My Will: Or Why I’m Deeply Suspicious of “The Process”