How to Tell You're Over 50 — Without Telling Me You're Over 50

We, as a generation, have never looked better. We eat healthier and use something other than Noxema and Ten-O-Six (brown-tinged rubbing alcohol) to clean our skin. We are acutely aware of the dangers of sun exposure, pushing many of us to richly slather our faces with a daily, solid SPF 50.

And, of course, science has allowed us to mask our age with tightening, lasering and injecting, and I, for one, say giddy-up.

But as I hang with my daughters, their friends, and others who fall into that "just a tad younger than me' category, there is something other than my neck and my well-moisturised, taunt complexion that gives my age away… and this is what I am writing about today. The little things that immediately tell everyone you are over 50 that even the best plastic surgeons can't help you with.

So let's see if you fall into this category.

British Words I Didn't Know Existed, and Now I Can't Live Without

Let’s face it, there’s a lot about the Brits that has taken me a while to understand. As a North American, they have left me, at times, scratching my noggin in honest befuddlement.

For instance, why do they love James Corden for Gavin and Stacey but pretty much can't stand him for anything else? Or, their national obsession for room temperature water, football (soccer), organ meats and baked beans. Or, how they’ve claimed curry as traditional British cuisine. Or, or… how their gentle overt politeness, decorum and centuries-old etiquette instantly vanishes as they go all American postal when someone jumps one of their orderly queues. And do not get me going on those horse hair wigs they are mandated to wear in court, even the vegans. But as I spend time hiding amongst them, I have adopted some of their language. No, I am not speaking in a British accent, I am not Madonna or Lindsey Lohan, but I have to give credit where credit is due. Some of the British words I didn't know existed (or barely) I now can't live without. They make up the healthy fabric of my daily conversation, and you know what???? They are bloody brilliant.

15 Things That Should Make You Smile Instantly

Let's face it, there has been a lot going on recently to turn that occasional resting scowl face of yours into the only face your iPhone recognises to unlock your phone. Sure, there have been crappy days, weeks…even years, friends who overnight become frenemies, or a zit that magically appears the morning of a big date. But I've learned that even through the crappiest of times, there are always things that never fail to make me smile.

So, as a public service to y'all, I am sharing with you my list of things that instantly make me smile. Because we all can benefit from a few more reasons to smile.

15 Things That Should Make You Smile Instantly

Life Lessons, Things I LoveChristina FordSeptember 5, 2022smile, old people, holding hands, music, coffee, good hair day Comments

A Girl in The Red Window. My Hour With a Prostitute in Amsterdam’s Infamous Red Light District

I was visiting Amsterdam a short time back. A girl's weekend, two friends and I. After a lovely dinner, they wisely decided to call it a night. I, however, ventured out to the city's famous Red Light District…alone.

The canals were electric, alive and glowing from the reflection of the bright neon marquess advertising live sex shows and private dances. The narrow cobblestone streets were lit by red lights casting a glow above the shop windows. That was where the girls were and my real purpose that night.

Some of the girls were more overt, obvious. You know, the ones you'd imagine dressed in black lingerie, heavily contoured cheeks and spiked, shiny boots. A couple had a Britney Spears Oops I've Did It Again feel, with super short pleated kilts and blouses tied high just below their heaving breasts. A few looked more academic, the sexy librarian type with messy up-dos and reading glasses teetering on the edge of their noses. There was even one woman who had to be in her sixties, looking so very, very tired and worn. She stood out from the rest.

Did Tinder Kill Love? Yup, I Think So.

Sex has always been the alleged road to love.

For generations, people have been hooking up at parties, nightclubs, smokey single bars, or discos (depending on just how old you are). A nostalgic, romantic era where poor judgement and too much alcohol made your relationship decisions for you (sigh).

So here we are today, deep in the throes of a new era, the online dating universe ruled by Tinder, Bumble and their near-distant relations. With immediate access to this colossal volume of singles seeking love, sex and relationships, you would think it would have triggered a new epic sexual revolution. One so explosive that we, like farrel rabbits, would be feasting on a 24/7 service of Tinderellas, super-swipers strangers that come delivered right to your door, with the reliability of UberEats.

Well, guess what? We are having less sex! A lot less.

Life LessonsChristina FordJune 23, 2022Tinder, bumble, Single, Toby Keith, Sex, online dating, Millennials, Dating appComment

What Brits Say: Versus What They Actually Mean

You only have to set your feet down on British soil for minutes before you can see it. The differences, the quirks, the idiosyncrasies, the orderly queues in the rain.

And let's face it, that’s what you’ve come for, right? You don’t want to hop on a sleepless, transatlantic flight to London and not to get the full British experience.

Of course, not all differences are understood. As a Canadian, I confuse Brits. I speak like an American, spell like a Brit, and know just enough French words to seriously confuse a nation of people.

So just like I might confuse the Brits, they too have elements of their British persona I have trouble understanding.

So, to save you all a heap load of time (and embarrassment) I have compiled a useful list to spare you my visiting tourist friends from making grave errors with the British vernacular.

People of London, Life LessonsChristina FordMarch 23, 2022Lingo, Canadian Comment

Three Single GIRLFriends, One Man On The Prowl…How We Discovered He Was After All of Us....or, How I Found Out I Was "A Type", Not A Unicorn

I like to believe that within each and every one of us we have unique traits that allow us to stand out in a crowd, or at the very least, stop us from blending into a sea of sameness with our Lulu Lemon daywear, Canada Goose jackets, Uggs and beige hair. I’ve often fancied myself to be somewhat of a unicorn, I’ve even got the official I Am A Unicorn T-shirt, for further authentication.

But recently I’ve come to learn (in the most interesting of ways) that I am no unicorn. I am a type— a blonde, light eye, slim(ish), fashion-forward, on the other side of fifty who could be most often seen posing with a cocktail —type.

Now in most circumstances in life, this means nothing. A type? Who cares? What possible interest could this have more than some random stranger mistaking me for Brenda from Bethesda?

But wait.

Here’s where it gets interesting.

Life Lessons, People of LondonChristina FordFebruary 22, 2022Dating app, online dating, friends, Soho House, Raya Comments

People Who Sleep Naked Have A Better Night’s Sleep (and other crap I bet you didn’t know)

Now that I have your attention.

Since moving to England, there have been a few cultural adjustments, some societal compromises I needed to make. The most obvious was the weather. It didn't matter what the forecast, there was always, always a chance of rain.

Then, there was the desensitizing to that “C’ word that the Brits like to drop, as frequent as the chance of rain. To put that into some much-needed context, Brits have over a hundred different words or phrases to talk about rain. I’d further like to add 94% of British people admitted to having talked about the weather in the past six hours

And of course, the horror when it’s discovered that not only do I not have a football club (soccer for my North American friends) I support, I actually don't give a shit about the sport.

But the one thing I’ve been able to climb on board with is their quizzes. Now for all those who have never attended a Quiz Night with me, my contribution to the team (other than getting us all into the Soho House) could to summed up with only two categories; 1970’s US Television Theme Songs or Fun Facts about Colin Firth Movies. But somehow I’ve managed to park my humiliation and every month I look forward to it.

This is to say, that my interest in unless trivia (that you would never need to know unless you are at a Quiz Night) has peaked.

So here’s my list of Unusual Facts (or almost facts) I’d like to see on the next Quiz, And not surprisingly, there is not a single footballer mentioned anywhere

Double Vaxed, Boosted, and Now I Have Covid. Dang!

I guess you could call this the Covid Trifecta, a perfect Covid storm. I am double vaccinated, I have had my booster, and now I have tested positive for Covid. And I, for one, am royally ticked off… not to mention surprised.

I was not one of these fearful people sprinting to get those new vaccines immediately jabbed into my arm. I am not old, vulnerable, or believe that my cause of death will read, rode the Central Line without a mask.

Nor am I an anti-vac conspiracy theorist with too much furloughed time on my hands. Convinced that the Chinese are looking to eradicate the world, the Russians are looking to control our minds, or the microchip tracking device swimming in our vaccinated veins is just waiting for a signal from the Mothership to call us all home.

The world is fearful and distrusting right now. And I, for one, get it.

Fear and distrust of the disease, and fear and distrust of the cure, and I possess neither. That doesn’t mean I am fearless. You only need to sit beside me on a plane to know that or drag me into dodgy-looking Curry House.

Life LessonsChristina FordDecember 17, 2021Covid, vaccinated, Tuberculosis, Christmas Comments

THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD. PEOPLE WHO ARRIVE AT THE AIRPORT HOURS BEFORE THEIR FLIGHT, AND THOSE WHO SKATE IN BY THE SKIN OF THEIR TEETH. MAY THEY NEVER MARRY.

I have learned a few things about relationships in my collective rotations around the sun—indicators of what can contribute to crazy-making, incompatible coupling.

As example;

Morning person versus night person

Atheist versus God-fearing

iPhone versus Android

Or even the silent but deadly relationship crusher, boxers versus briefs. Ok, maybe this last one isn't high on the list and can be altered with some well thought out Christmas stocking stuffers. But this, for me, is right up there with swimming trunks versus banana hammocks. And as a North American girl, I do not have to tell you what side of the non-European ledger I fall on that one.

With that, I want to address the elephant in the airport.

Perhaps even save a few of you some unnecessary time sticking it out with the wrong person. This is more than the difference between those who travel with just a carry-on and those who check baggage. Although let's not underestimate that dilemma. I'm talking about those who want, need, require, must have at least a two-hour window at the airport before their flight, and those adrenaline junkies who like sliding into the gate as the pilot turns on the fasten seatbelt sign.

Life Lessons, TravelChristina FordNovember 5, 2021travel, airport, morning person, coupling, traveller, Starbuck Comments

I Was Glowing Like a Girl Who Had Properly Got Plowed, or…. MY BEST FIRST DATE EVER!

I want to share with you my best first date story EVER! As a sexy, (I’m trying to own it) single woman over fifty, this date didn’t end with white picket fences, a Golden Retriever puppy and happily ever after. Hell, there wasn’t even a second date. The reason it was my best first date ever was it gave me an important answer to the question I frequently asked at my mirror, “how the fuck did I get here, and more importantly, who can I blame”?

It changed, in part, how I felt about myself, my age and the silent struggles adhered to the stigma of being a woman over fifty. Or in other words, it reflected a new mature stage in my female existence.

As a woman who came of age in the '80s, I nostalgically pined for the days when copious amounts of alcohol in smokey bars decided my man future.

Thus, I was not immediately lured into this modern online dating thing. Nope, this was not for me, I thought with heavy conviction laced with middle-aged judgement.

Important Lessons You Can Only Learn From Travelling Solo

It’s been said, once you get past a certain age, and for me, that was fifty, life becomes a little same:same. I had been chugging away at my career for eons, entrenched in a predictable relationship, and booked the same annual holidays spots with the kids in the name of “easy”.

An inevitable boredom seeped in that I just accepted as “age appropriate.”

Truth was, I had stopped growing. I had stopped learning about me…about life… about everything.

But it wasn’t until after a colossal, unpredictable breakup that something extraordinary happened. Not unlike Dorothy’s cyclone, my house, my life…my entire world was lifted up and dropped down hard. I was catapulted out of my comfortable, predictable life and jettisoned into a new, unexplored world.

I was suddenly single…again.

The Painful, Valuable Lessons I Learned From Being A Victim Of A Crime

I am not a paranoid person by nature. I don’t think everyone is out to get me. I don’t cross the road when I see a gaggle of young men in hoodies and baggy jeans walking towards me. And I don’t stroll with my keys laced between my fingers as I walk through a parking lot.

I am an aware, smart, keen observer of life, or so I believed.

After a fun night of singing and dancing away to Sister Sledge at the Soho House and still humming We Are Family, I arrive back at my flat around midnight to discover I had been burgled. A sick, thick feeling rose from the pit of my stomach that buckled my knees and sucked the oxygen from my lungs. My clothes were scattered across the room, jewellery boxes emptied and lying broken, and drawers were open and overturned.

I stood there breathlessly in this twilight moment, the numb space between reality and disbelief. I had been robbed.

Life LessonsChristina FordSeptember 10, 2021Burglary, Crime, lesssons, 999, 911, Insurance, Find My Phone Comments

15 Awesome Perks and Benefits to Living Alone

Most of my life, I have been living with someone. Of course, it started with my parents and sisters. Those were the days with more rules than freedom, and blood was often shed, and fistfuls of hair torn from their roots when I'd find my sister wearing my new jean jacket she swore up and down she never took. Then I moved out and got roommates, and that too came with a whole set of compromises, general lack of personal space and questionable hygiene standards, i.e.) A clogged shower drain with hair clearly a different colour than my own. Then I got married…and had kids…and well, not only was I never alone, I was completely surrounded.

In the last couple of years, I have been blissfully living on my own. My kids are launched, no live-in boyfriend leaving the toilet seat up, the used teabag in the sink or the untimely discovery of an empty toilet roll, and I have to say it is unparalleled rapture.

Life Lessons, Things I LoveChristina FordJuly 9, 2021Single, Single Ladies, perks Comments

A BROAD IN LONDON'S 20 LIFE HACKS FOR THE SINGLE GIRL

So you tell me single ladies, has this happened to you?

You are getting ready for a night out, you slip into that sensational, sexy tight dress, the one you know is going to slay, and you realize, that the last six inches of that back zipper is impossible for you to do up by yourself. I mean, not a chance. Perhaps this is the real reason women do yoga, to develop the contortion like flexibility in ones’ shoulders to enable you to do this task yourself. Sorry, but do designers think I have a ladies-maid dressing me? I am not Lady Mary Crawley.

Mad Magazine’S Genius Zodiac Summary…It Ain't No Bull.

That’s A Lot Of Bull….A Brilliant Mad Magazine Zodiac Summary.

If you’re of a certain vintage and grew up in North America, if I said Alfred E. Neuman immediately that redhead, gapped tooth cover-boy should instantly spring to mind. The face that looks a lot like David Letterman in cartoon form smiling at us from the covers of Mad Magazine.

Mad Magazine was a fixture of my childhood. A satirical humorous slam deep into the hub of the 20th century cultural landscape.

So you might be asking yourself, so what does the Zodiac and Mad Magazine have to do with each other? Well, I’ll tell you. It is where I first read the most dead accurate horoscope profile EVER. It so resonated with me that decades later I could find myself reciting by heart lines from its brilliant astrological summary. I mean who could forget…

“Sagittarius you will find will say whatever’s on his mind.”

That literally could describe every Sagittarius I have ever known...and dated.

So I thought I would dig up Mad’s Zodiac and see what you think. I dare you to contradict the brilliant, accurate summary of each and every Zodiac sign.

WHAT YOU CAN SAY AT DINNER...THAT YOU CAN ALSO SAY DURING SEX

So, yup, it has come to this. Sex!

And it doesn't hurt having my favourite Canadian family, The Roses from Schitt’s Creek, joining me from their diner.

With the word “sex” prominently featured in my headline, I believe I have secured your attention, at least for the moment. The real question will be, if this word “sex” lures more of you into reading this than the word “bacon”? My last blog about that fabulous fatty breakfast meat weirdly was my most opened blog in my blogger history. Seriously, bacon!!!

So, let’s see if more of you are interesting in sex… or bacon?

I was playing this game with a friend of mine that inspired me to write this blog, What You Can Say At A Dinner Party That You Can Also Say During Sex. This I found entertainingly rude, like Cards Against Humanity, funny, and certainly more creative than your average game of charades.

13 THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN 2021

Well, I am just going to go ahead and say it, Good Riddance 2020. Absolutely no one is going to miss you. I recognize that we are only a short time into this new year but I am cautiously optimistic that good things are coming our way. Sure not all of it will be immediate, but soon…and with the promise that 2021 will be greatly improved over its predecessor. I am looking forward to doing stuff, I am looking forward to stuff to look forward to…does that make any sense? What 2020 has taught us that even with the best-laid plans things can go awry, off the rails…and sometimes there is squat one can do about it.

AMERICA, WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED TO YOU?

America, I don’t understand.

I am a Canadian woman living in Great Britain. I tell you this because I am neither a Republican or Democrat. Nor am I interested in being corralled by my American friends who find the need to identify, sort, convert and brand me to any form of their country’s politics.

I am however a moralistic human being who does not believe that government, church, state, priests, rabbis, teachers or anyone for that matter should tell me who I can love, who I should hate and what I can do with my body. I believe in being kind to strangers, that no lives matter unless black lives matter. That bullies cannot be placated to, equal rights for all, you know…all the basic stuff they taught us in kindergarten.

As a Canadian, I grew up idolizing you America. An incredible superpower country that leads by shining example. Whose gold standards created benchmarks for literature, cinema, science, democracy and medicine which led and inspired the world to do better. I looked up to you much like a little kid idolizing an older brother or sister. Cooler, bigger, stronger, smarter, more popular and always…always made me feel safe. But America you now terrify me

The Man Catalogue. What A Man's Online Dating Photo Says Instantly About The Guy

There are three great tellers of truth, Children, yoga pants, and a man’s online dating photo.

So let us discuss the later, those murky often funky waters of online dating.

This of course told thru the filter of someone old enough to nostalgically and fondly remember when my sole decision-making of a potential partner would all but be decided by a drunken fuelled evening in a bar called Brandy’s.

I guess you can call me kinda old fashioned in that regard. Back in an era of jam-packed bars and nightclubs (remember those?) with bodies pressed so close you could smell the battle between his warm, Barcardi infused breath on your neck and his Jovan Musk For Men that he clearly bathed in earlier. A cute smile and one too many tequila slammers and that was it. The next thing you know you are picking out china patterns and arguing why his friend Snake under no circumstances will be sitting at the same table as your friend Bunny at the reception. Personally I think it is obvious.

A-BROAD IN LONDON

A Survival Guide To Life, Travel & Being Sensationally Single

So let's see if you fall into this category.

Let’s face it, there’s a lot about the Brits that has taken me a while to understand. As a North American, they have left me, at times, scratching my noggin in honest befuddlement.

15 Things That Should Make You Smile Instantly

Sex has always been the alleged road to love.

Well, guess what? We are having less sex! A lot less.

Of course, not all differences are understood. As a Canadian, I confuse Brits. I speak like an American, spell like a Brit, and know just enough French words to seriously confuse a nation of people.

Now that I have your attention.

So here’s my list of Unusual Facts (or almost facts) I’d like to see on the next Quiz, And not surprisingly, there is not a single footballer mentioned anywhere

I guess you could call this the Covid Trifecta, a perfect Covid storm. I am double vaccinated, I have had my booster, and now I have tested positive for Covid. And I, for one, am royally ticked off… not to mention surprised.

The world is fearful and distrusting right now. And I, for one, get it.

With that, I want to address the elephant in the airport.

As a woman who came of age in the '80s, I nostalgically pined for the days when copious amounts of alcohol in smokey bars decided my man future.

An inevitable boredom seeped in that I just accepted as “age appropriate.”

I am an aware, smart, keen observer of life, or so I believed.

I stood there breathlessly in this twilight moment, the numb space between reality and disbelief. I had been robbed.

So you tell me single ladies, has this happened to you?

“Sagittarius you will find will say whatever’s on his mind.”

So, yup, it has come to this. Sex!

America, I don’t understand.

There are three great tellers of truth, Children, yoga pants, and a man’s online dating photo.

This of course told thru the filter of someone old enough to nostalgically and fondly remember when my sole decision-making of a potential partner would all but be decided by a drunken fuelled evening in a bar called Brandy’s.

A-BROAD IN LONDON

A Survival Guide To Life, Travel & Being Sensationally Single

So let's see if you fall into this category.

Let’s face it, there’s a lot about the Brits that has taken me a while to understand. As a North American, they have left me, at times, scratching my noggin in honest befuddlement.

15 Things That Should Make You Smile Instantly

Sex has always been the alleged road to love.

Well, guess what? We are having less sex! A lot less.

Of course, not all differences are understood. As a Canadian, I confuse Brits. I speak like an American, spell like a Brit, and know just enough French words to seriously confuse a nation of people.

Now that I have your attention.

So here’s my list of Unusual Facts (or almost facts) I’d like to see on the next Quiz, And not surprisingly, there is not a single footballer mentioned anywhere

I guess you could call this the Covid Trifecta, a perfect Covid storm. I am double vaccinated, I have had my booster, and now I have tested positive for Covid. And I, for one, am royally ticked off… not to mention surprised.

The world is fearful and distrusting right now. And I, for one, get it.

With that, I want to address the elephant in the airport.

As a woman who came of age in the '80s, I nostalgically pined for the days when copious amounts of alcohol in smokey bars decided my man future.

An inevitable boredom seeped in that I just accepted as “age appropriate.”

I am an aware, smart, keen observer of life, or so I believed.

I stood there breathlessly in this twilight moment, the numb space between reality and disbelief. I had been robbed.

So you tell me single ladies, has this happened to you?

“Sagittarius you will find will say whatever’s on his mind.”

So, yup, it has come to this. Sex!

America, I don’t understand.

There are three great tellers of truth, Children, yoga pants, and a man’s online dating photo.

This of course told thru the filter of someone old enough to nostalgically and fondly remember when my sole decision-making of a potential partner would all but be decided by a drunken fuelled evening in a bar called Brandy’s.

A Broad in London